Who Am I?

Posted on December 16, 2016

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I’ve had much going on, therefore many thoughts swimming ’round on what to write.  I’m going to dither over what to say and give you the usual rubbish about the thoughts being all jammed up and not knowing where to start.  So I might as well get that out of the way.  *rolls eyes*  I have so many thoughts, I don’t know where to start.

This has been a rough year for me and through it, I’ve obtained many of life’s battle scars.  But I’m truly endeavouring to surface from it all with a new understanding of myself, of where I want to be, of life in general, of other people…  and I want to get back the chee.  I’ve been joy-starved for a while now too and am searching for it, as well as trying to figure out who I am again.  I lost it.  I lost me.  I lost peace.  I lost happiness.  I lost contentment.  And in place of those things, I’ve acquired perpetual hardness and strain on my forehead, continuous tension in my jaw, and my shoulders never drop.  Despondency, uncertainty, melancholy, anxiety and stress (Dumas) have shown up to the party and they are not cool.  Like, the sort who arrive, do a bunch of coke and then chuck in your fridge.

I’ve gotten into journaling; with a mix of bullet journaling and following the methods from At a Journal Workshop (which I’m finding extremely challenging).  The writing has been helping me somewhat.  I’m able to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.  Helps me sort through things and not have to store them up and up inside.  Reading some Brené Brown which has been fantastic.  

But it’s hard to keep the Dumas Gremlins at bay.  A lot of times, I just don’t want to do anything except loaf about on my big comfy chair and binge Sherlock.  I don’t want to read, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to journal…. so I employ different things to distract and numb me.

I’ve been claiming wanting to get back out there and start running again for a long while.  But I haven’t found the oomph to actually DO that yet.  I know that once I do, I’ll feel better.

I try being present and practising gratitude but the Dumas Gremlins are too noisy sometimes.

I’ve endeavoured to find my little happinesses again.  Playing my uke, recreational reading, creating (art), listening to music, going dancing, having theoretical conversations with others…  It’s just hard to tell when those are just distractions from the issues I need to resolve within myself, or if they’re part of my rediscovery.

So yeh… this is basically where I am right now.  Kinda Debbie Downer, I know.  But there are periodic dips and bumps in life’s journey and I’ve found myself in one.

Kate

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Posted in: journal, Life