The Honeymoon Survival Kit

Posted on May 16, 2012

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My bestie’s personal shower was last Friday and it was on me to come up with a great gift.  She was expecting something extremely embarrassing, as she has gone her whole life, giving embarrassing gifts to every one of her friends.  She figured it was time for her comeuppance.

Well, I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to this day for a long time.  But my hectic semester of classes keeping me busy and then her party being on the Friday of finals week did not give me any time to think of something spectacular.  And honestly, until Wednesday evening, when I forced myself to go out shopping for her, I had no direction whatsoever.  I went into the first store and aimlessly meandered, hoping something would jump off the shelf, screaming at me.

That didn’t happen.

I spent a good 45 minutes in there, stumped.  Frustrated, I decided to go elsewhere and try to at least find the trunk I would need to put the gift in.  I knew that much, at least – I needed a trunk.  You know, like an old-timey traveling suitcase.  I already knew I wanted to put together a “honeymoon kit” of sorts.

So I went to the craft store and lo, they had the perfect type of cases.  I just had to wait on my purchase because I didn’t know how big the box needed to be.  But…. while I was there, I was flooded with ideas.  I walked every aisle, looking for something else to fit into my plan.  Good!  Now I had a grasp of what I was doing.  I wasn’t so panicked anymore.  Perhaps I could pull something off after all. (Though it wouldn’t be embarrassing, at least it would be somewhat clever)  I got all the ideas I could from the craft store and left them there, safe.  Now I needed more.  So I went to another shop and spent a couple hours deliberating some purchases and then headed to the mall to grab a couple other necessities.  The whole gift had come together in my mind; I just needed to gather it all together now.  I could now head back to the craft store and collect the essentials there, as well as pick out the right size box for the job.  I arrived 2 minutes to closing and felt like I was in an old episode of Supermarket Sweep, rushing from one end of the store to the other, racing up and down the aisles to grab what I needed.  It was nerve-wracking and thrilling at the same time.  I grabbed all my supplies within 5 minutes and checked out.  It was time to go home and put this monstrosity together.

Oh, and I’ll just say now that although most of this is meant as a gag, I tried (for the most part) to get things that I knew she would use, even if it wasn’t going to be used in the bedroom.  Waste not, want not, yeah?

So here, to share the love, I give you:

The Honeymoon Survival Kit

In here, you will find everything you need to make your honeymoon go off without a hitch.  I understand that you may be nervous or worried that you won’t know what to do or how to use these items, so NOT TO WORRY!  I’ve taken the time to list each item and go over its purpose.  You’ll be honeymooning like a pro in no time!

Sexy Night Gown and Panties

A new bride would be remiss if she didn’t have a night gown and panties to wear on her wedding night.  The man will be doing double and triple takes of you in this beauty and you won’t believe how fast he’ll try to gt you out of it.  Rawr!

Sexy Times Tickler

You can use this for sexy times, or, if you decide to do the shaving cream prank to the man, that works, too.  It’s up to you.

Candle to Set the Mood and Massage Time

You can use it when things get sexy.  And after it’s melted some, you can use it as massage oil.  How cool is that??  And it smells delightful.   [It really did.  I coveted this part of her gift.]

Tasty & Titillating Candy Nipple Tassels

These will sweeten up your love life and they’re sure to add excitement in the bedroom, regardless of who ends up wearing them.

Sexy Times Scarf

Seeing as scarves are waaaay more versatile than getting, say, a plain ol’ blindfold mask, I opted for the scarf.  It can be used in foreplay, as a blindfold, bondage, a gag… your options are pretty endless,  depending on how kinky you wanna get.   Picturing you tying it around your head like Rambo and running around with your:

Water Guns

That’s right.  I’ve included water guns.  Because you’ll need something to do in all these new clothes you got.  We don’t want your honeymoon to get boring now, do we?  I’m just looking out for ya, kid.

Hot Red Thongs

I never understood why thongs are considered sexy, but according to Mr. Sisqo, they make your booty go da na da na – and it seems that’s a good thing.  Anyway, I didn’t want to send you off without everything you need to be sexy, so I got you a pair.  I made sure to get the red ones – the sexiest color.

Bow Tie for The Man

With all this dressing up you’re expected to do, it’s only fair that he do the same.  Which is why I’ve provided a little something for him to wear.

Hershey’s Chocolate & Paint Brushes

Edible body art, baby!

5 Hour Energy

Energy for the newlywed bunnies.

Princess Wand

This is so the man knows what’s up.  It’s to reinforce the fact that Bestie can do whatever she wants.  If he questions that, just wave the wand around and END OF DISCUSSION. [It’s a bit of an inside thing, this one. So probably not as clever to the outside world as it was to her… this was her favourite part of the gift.]

So… I gathered everything together….

…and I packed it neatly in its box, lining the bottom first with a variety of condoms, lubes and flavoured things.

Yes, the box was so stuffed, I had to finagle everything “just so”, in order to close it.  The boa didn’t fit in the box; I strung it through the handle and draped it over the top.

So there we have it.  A personal shower gift, from conception to actualization, put together in one evening.  I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

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Posted in: Life