I’ve always been better at conveying my thoughts via written form, as opposed to conversation. I never knew why. Guess I never tried to figure it out. But it didn’t matter to me; all I knew was that I kicked butt when it came to writing out my feelings and if I had to talk, one on one, I was a blithering idiot. And so I brought it with me into adulthood.
I didn’t much think on reasons until maybe a few years ago. And I thought I had the answer: I am better at writing because I feel like I’m not given enough time to formulate my thoughts when I’m conversing. People need a reply and they need it quickly. When I write, I can take my time and figure out exactly what I’m thinking and know what I want to put out there (I’m very deliberate). Sounds good enough, right? I thought so, too. But last week, it hit me. I wasn’t even thinking about it, so I don’t know why it came. But I finally have it. And to some extent, yes, my previous reason does make some sense. But my real issue is that I always have in the back of my head: “They don’t really care what I have to say, they’re not really listening, so I’ll be as brief as I can.” I leave out details. My mind goes faster and I skip over things when it comes out. Whether or not the other person is genuinely interested, I tell myself they aren’t. However, if I’m writing, I can eloquently lay out all my thoughts with the assurance that if they are interested, they can choose to keep reading. But if they’re not, they can just skim over it or stop reading entirely. When I write, I let people decide for themselves if they’re interested. When I chat with someone, I make the decision for them.
I could go into how my past experiences growing up have trained me to be this way or I could write of my struggles with self esteem. But I really don’t feel like going to either of those places.
Now how do I break out of this deleterious mind frame? I’m not quite sure yet, but it’s something I’ve started to work on. When discussing matters face-to-face, I try to consciously slow myself down and tell myself that the other person could really want to know what I have to say. ….A difficult thing to do when it’s socially the norm now to interrupt people. And since I don’t get interrupted when I write…. yeah. But I can’t always use writing as my crutch.
What really ends up throwing me is when I’m in a conversation with someone and they’re intently looking at me… like… listening. And I think that makes me nervous. Can’t say why… but I get nervous and fall into the same trap of hurrying myself. Making myself believe that they’re probably just waiting for me to finish. It’s sad, really.
The Phoenixplains 
Kaitlin
January 18, 2012
Best way?
Practice.
I had the same problem. Force yourself to start conversations and keep them up as long as possible. Meet new people and talk to them at length. Ask them questions. Listen. If and when they ask you questions, then feel free to talk. You listened to them, they’ll listen to you. This is pretty much how I learned to converse.
Kate
January 18, 2012
Oh I have absolutely no problem with listening. I’m an excellent listener. But in conversations, it’s the majority of what I do. Thank you for the input. You can rest assured I’ll practice. ^_^
Lynda at Work
January 19, 2012
I really relate: You have good insight. I learned a lot about unraveling that belief that people aren’t interested or don’t get what I’m saying, with hakomi body-oriented psychotherapy. It is mindfulness based, and is sometimes called assisted meditation. With someone else present you observe your internal wiring, or beliefs and how they manifest in your body sensations. Bringing compassion, space and relaxation to the beliefs helps them unwind.
Kate
January 19, 2012
Hmmm…. gonna be doing some research now…
That sounds pretty interesting. Cheers!
Sarah
January 19, 2012
I’m the same, to a certain extent. My problem was always shyness; and when I meet lots of people, all at once, I still feel shy, sometimes painfully so. I go by the question tactic; I ask the other person questions, and listen (well, lipread…) their response, and if they keep talking, then great, means less talking for me! But there will come a point when you have to input a little too, so whilst they’re talking, just prepare yourself for it, listen, but allow yourself to think too – the same way as when you’re writing? I feel like when I’m writing, my mind is simultaneously skipping ahead to the next few words.
However, I’ve always felt exactly the same; I am much better at putting my thoughts together when I am writing, rather than speaking. My reasoning is that with writing, I can go at my own pace, and it just seems to come naturally, whereas speaking doesn’t seem as natural for me. It’s more effort, and a lot more effort to understand what the other person is saying…lipreading is tough! So, when I get the chance to use sign-language, it’s a relief, in some ways. But the shyness/nervousness still happens when I’m signing, and I get flustered; so the only thing I can think of is that I am relaxed and calm (for the most part) when I write, but my mind is too busy when I’m in a conversation with someone…if that makes sense?
Argh, sorry, long comment… x
Kate
January 19, 2012
Oh my goodness, thank you for this reply. I really appreciated getting a relative perspective. I understand where you’re coming from as far as shyness. I used to be super shy. I’ve got past the shyness, but I’m still an extremely “quiet” person. I’m an observer. I will meet a person and sit back and let them talk – it’s where I gain my knowledge on them and what kind of person they are. I receive _a lot_ before forming any sort of “take” on someone. So I do the same as you: I ask questions. I allow them to talk as much as they will before I’m called upon to input my part of the conversation. …. Thinking whilst listening, eh? I’ll see how that works out for me.
I totally feel you with the writing coming more naturally and able to go at your own pace. How nerve-wracking it is to be questioned about myself or my thoughts and to be looked at intently. >_<
You made perfect sense. My mind is too busy when I'm in a conversation with someone as well. And I have additional conversation anxiety when I'm signing, as, well… worries of imperfections and knowing full-well I'm far from eloquent (being a second-language user) hang over my head whilst in the one-on-one.
No need for apology on the length of your comment. I really did appreciate it. Thank you again.
Sarah
January 20, 2012
Forgive me, for just a moment, but you can sign?! How did I not know this! Awesome! Haha! It’s not my first language either, so I do find myself feeling a little overwhelmed with it at times, but for the most part I feel quite confident with it now.
Maybe the thing to work on, then, is to attempt to keep your mind as clear as possible when in a conversation? Just focus entirely on what the other person is saying, and don’t let your mind stray. Then, when it comes to be your turn to speak, try to respond to what the person has just said; whether that be that you’ve done something similar, or you like or dislike what they were talking about…just the fact that they’re in a conversation with you proves that they’re interested in you and what you have to say. If someone doesn’t want to talk to us, we can feel it; they are quick and blunt, and they ask things that only require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’…they are closed. When someone is looking at you intently, take it as a sign that they are genuinely interested in you and your thoughts. How about imagining that you are talking to your blog? That might be a fun one to try…
Every little helps, if we can all help each other to feel more comfortable in conversation/face to face scenarios, then all is good 🙂 x
Kate
January 20, 2012
Yuppers 🙂 I’m “Deaf friendly”. 😉
Wow… you’re right: “just the fact that they’re in a conversation with you proves that they’re interested in you and what you have to say. If someone doesn’t want to talk to us, we can feel it; they are quick and blunt, and they ask things that only require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’…they are closed. When someone is looking at you intently, take it as a sign that they are genuinely interested in you and your thoughts.”
Completely right. I think lately this is where I’m catching myself. I’m trying to tell myself that they are interested and they wouldn’t be asking if they weren’t. Old habits die hard. I really need to concentrate hard on your words the next time a similar situation comes up.
Sarah
January 20, 2012
I love that you’re “Deaf friendly”! Wahay!
Hehe, well, some of the stuff that comes out of my mind makes sense…some of it doesn’t. More often than not, I find that I have to reread stuff I’ve written, and use it in my own life… It’s true though, and what YOU have to say is just as important as what anyone else has to say. Have faith in yourself 🙂 Or just imagine that I’m there, standing behind you, and rooting you on 😉
Kate
January 22, 2012
Awh… thank you, Sarah. ♥
(my week has been full… I intend on replying to your message – I am just unable to take the time out at the moment. But I will reply.)
xjustanotherteenblogger
January 22, 2012
I’m more of an ambivert than anything else but I’ve always been more comfortable to write down my thoughts rather than tell someone exactly what I’m thinking. I used to chatter away without a thought but as the years have gone past I’ve grown more silent and I tend to think before I say anything. My ex told me something that I’ve never forgotten which was “Not everything has to be said” and I don’t think I’m going to forget it anytime soon. I also used to believe that what I had to say wasn’t as interesting or didn’t mean as much as what someone else was saying but I’ve been working to change my opinion about that.
But if you want to get better then just try talking to one person at a time, then two or three and then you’ll be able to have conversations in big groups of people without any problems in no time. Your posts on this blog are always amazing so I’m sure you have a lot that you want to say :]
Kate
January 22, 2012
Yeah, I’m slowly trying to break out of my mould. “I also used to believe that what I had to say wasn’t as interesting or didn’t mean as much as what someone else was saying but I’ve been working to change my opinion about that.” <– Same here. Totally!
I've been thinking more on this over the past few days… and I think my issues with this might be deeper than I realized. Thank you for taking the time to comment. And thank you for the compliment. It’s always nice to know when someone appreciates what I have to say.