Self Realisation

Posted on January 18, 2012


I’ve always been better at conveying my thoughts via written form, as opposed to conversation.  I never knew why.  Guess I never tried to figure it out.  But it didn’t matter to me; all I knew was that I kicked butt when it came to writing out my feelings and if I had to talk, one on one, I was a blithering idiot.  And so I brought it with me into adulthood.

I didn’t much think on reasons until maybe a few years ago.  And I thought I had the answer: I am better at writing because I feel like I’m not given enough time to formulate my thoughts when I’m conversing.  People need a reply and they need it quickly.  When I write, I can take my time and figure out exactly what I’m thinking and know what I want to put out there (I’m very deliberate).  Sounds good enough, right?  I thought so, too.  But last week, it hit me.  I wasn’t even thinking about it, so I don’t know why it came.  But I finally have it.  And to some extent, yes, my previous reason does make some sense.  But my real issue is that I always have in the back of my head: “They don’t really care what I have to say, they’re not really listening, so I’ll be as brief as I can.”  I leave out details.  My mind goes faster and I skip over things when it comes out.  Whether or not the other person is genuinely interested, I tell myself they aren’t.  However, if I’m writing, I can eloquently lay out all my thoughts with the assurance that if they are interested, they can choose to keep reading.  But if they’re not, they can just skim over it or stop reading entirely.  When I write, I let people decide for themselves if they’re interested.  When I chat with someone, I make the decision for them.

I could go into how my past experiences growing up have trained me to be this way or I could write of my struggles with self esteem.  But I really don’t feel like going to either of those places.

Now how do I break out of this deleterious mind frame?  I’m not quite sure yet, but it’s something I’ve started to work on.  When discussing matters face-to-face, I try to consciously slow myself down and tell myself that the other person could really want to know what I have to say.  ….A difficult thing to do when it’s socially the norm now to interrupt people.  And since I don’t get interrupted when I write…. yeah.  But I can’t always use writing as my crutch.

What really ends up throwing me is when I’m in a conversation with someone and they’re intently looking at me… like… listening.  And I think that makes me nervous.  Can’t say why… but I get nervous and fall into the same trap of hurrying myself.  Making myself believe that they’re probably just waiting for me to finish.  It’s sad, really.


Posted in: journal, Life