Hold Fast

Posted on November 2, 2011

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This week has been absolutely insane.  I really think the teachers are in cahoots with their homework assignments and tests just to see if they can make my brain explode into those chalky mints people always stick on the tables at weddings. *blank stare before we continue, to emphasize how it sucks that they are doing this to me. Really. I hate those mints.*  I haven’t had such an involved semester before this one and it’s melting my face off.  Sometimes I wonder if I can do it.  If I’ve got what it takes to get through the rest of college.  I think about everything else in my life that I’ve started and quit and wonder if I’ll end up doing the same thing with this.  But then I think about how stubborn I am and that if I put my mind to it and hold onto my determination, I will finish.   … I hope I Hold fast. *hope*

I have a huge test next month.  Huge.  Literally and figuratively.  There is an all-day review for it.  I worry how well I will do.  I am an A student and I still worry.  I worry about my abilities and skill.  I worry that I won’t be good enough.  I worry about all the tests I will need to pass in order to obtain my license.  I worry about failing.  If I fail, I can take them again and it’s not the end of the world.  But I still worry.  I worry about how I will do once I’m practising in my new profession.  I worry that I won’t know the right things to do and I will mess up.  I am not halfway through school yet.  And I still worry.

Today I felt like I was out of my own body, just drifting from class to class, doing what was required of me without being present to any of it.  Perhaps it was because I didn’t get enough sleep last night.  Perhaps I was subconsciously surrendering to the week’s inescapableness.  Either way, it was wild.  You know how… when you have been awake for waaaay too many hours and you get to that point of “everything is hilarious”?  This week of studying brought me to something similar, except … everything was “a-okay” and “awesome”.  Nothing phased me.  And I had this weird calm.  So between classes and after I squeezed out some homework from my brain juices, I climbed up out of the basement and decided to do some outdoor yoga.  Me time.  I found a spot at the east side of the building with ample shade (thank you, trees), plugged in my earbuds to block out the noisy campus and did a little Surya Namaskar.  Oh my goodness, what a delight!  I don’t know why I’d never thought of doing that before; break up the day, break away from the sometimes toxic social environment that is my department, and meet with myself to assess, reconnect and realign.  Peace and well-being flooded over me, and it was only about ten minutes of being out there.  Methinks I shall be doing that on a regular basis. (Yes, suddenly Elizabethan syntax.  I’m the whole package.)

This too shall pass.

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Posted in: journal, Life, yoga